Phew, had a bit of a hiatus after my last post to enjoy the start of a new year and tackle a few personal items. During this time, I came across an interesting comment regarding dead names that’s given me something to think about.
In my previous post Discussing The Past, I talked about how it’s inappropriate to use someone’s dead name (name given to a transgender person at birth and no longer used) whether you’re talking about the trans individual in current or past times. The reason is that the dead name doesn’t reflect who the trans person truly is. However, I’ve learned that not all transgenders feel this way.
I read a Facebook post from a transman stating that he doesn’t mind when people ask him, “What was your name before you transitioned?” He happily shares his dead name, saying that he likes this old name and he feels that erasing it would take away part of his identity. Many transgenders commented positively to this post. A few stated that they too liked their previous names.
I was surprised by these words. As someone who only realized three and a half years ago that he’s part of the transgender community, I’ve spent a lot of time listening and talking to trans folks who’ve been on their journey longer than myself, and learning about proper etiquette. Certainly felt like a kid at the table, but the conversations were very informative and inspirational. Dead names in all these talks were considered things to be forgotten at all costs. I agreed with these sentiments since I had never liked my dead name anyway.
And I think that’s the key thing in this topic: a transgender person’s relationship with their dead name. Some had positive experiences like the Facebook transman and recognized that they were assigned a good, solid name at birth. For others, the name elicits gender dysphoria and other negative emotions. I’m part of the latter group. For me, my dead name always sounded and felt too feminine for my personality, and most people didn’t want to call me by that name anyway (see Nickname Pattern). I was so pleased to legally cross it out of the records and replace it with one that properly fits me.
The takeaway message? There are transgenders who like or don’t like their dead name, but as a general rule it’s best to leave those out of conversations (don’t even ask what it was, this is hurtful for us with a bad connection with our dead names!). The only exception is if you know for absolute certainty that the trans person in question is fine with talking about their dead name.
Be First to Comment