Disconnected

As a transgender person transitioning at an older age, the process has been interesting. It’s been wild experiencing how intricate it is on the levels of the physical (hormone therapy and surgeries), legal (name and gender change), and social (interactions with people). One of the things that makes it interesting is the switch to using your real pronouns in public.

When I came out as a transman, I had asked everyone to use he/him. This was right and proper because these are my true pronouns. However, it was actually jarring hear people start to use it.

“He? He who? Oh, wait, that’s me. Right.”

“I work in an office full of women…why am I hearing ‘he’? Oh, they’re talking about me. Duh!”

This isn’t surprising. I had spent 28 years using and hearing she/her in relation to myself. Kinda gets ingrained in the brain after that amount of time has passed. It took a bit for me to get used to hearing he/him in reference to me, both among people I knew and strangers. It was really affirming to hear cashiers refer to me as ‘sir’ since it meant I was presenting and sounding more masculine. It felt really good.

Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit the U.S.

Suddenly everything shut down and my work turned into a remote position. Like everyone else, I almost never left my home. The only regular contact I had with people were my roommates, daily Zoom meetings with my coworkers, Skyping friends and family, and phone calls. Not much in the realm of public interaction. I wasn’t hearing my pronouns nearly as much because I was no longer in situations where saying my pronouns applied. My days became filled with going about my business and just being a person.

Now that it’s been a year and restrictions are starting to lift. I feel more safe picking up food instead of having it delivered as well as going to in-person appointments. Just last week I went to the dentist and overheard bits of the conversation the hygienist had with the lead dentist in the hall.

“I just finished cleaning his teeth… His scans look… He said that he… I don’t think he has…”

Once again, I was jarred with the use of he/him. I suddenly realized how little I’d heard my pronouns during the pandemic, and thus had become disconnected with this part of myself. It’s not a big part when compared to other aspects of myself, granted, but it’s one of the most common things used when interacting with people. It’s as common as greetings and eye contact, and involves respect when used correctly.

So now I’m back at square one. I have to reacclimate to hearing my pronouns again.

It’s not the only thing I have to get used to a second time around. I need to recover my confidence in using male restrooms, not be surprised when a guy calls me “dude” or “man,” and remember that not all women are comfortable being around me simply because I’m a guy.

This last point is especially important as I used to be considered a neutral person to be with. My position has changed from “Oh yeah, here’s a tomboy, she’s safe to be around!” to “Uh-oh, a man. Don’t know if he’s genuinely nice or a secret douchebag.” While that’s not everyone’s stance when around me, I can’t change the fact that some women don’t feel safe around men, and so I need to not take it personally.

And so the social transitioning process continues after a hiatus…