Discussing The Past

When speaking with a transgender person, or even about a trans person, talking about their past can feel dicey. What pronouns do you use? Can you use a previous name when recalling an event?

This situation came up recently while I was having a discussion with my dad and a friend. We got to talking about a couple of funny things that happened when I was a kid. While recounting the events, my dad slipped into the mindset of that moment in time and used she/her pronouns as well as my old name. In his logic, my gendered life is split into two chunks: the time I was his daughter and the time I’m his son. He knows that I’ve always been his son despite no one knowing I was trans when I was younger, but he automatically goes into this divide when discussing my past.

This is not appropriate.

While knowing that I’ve always been his son is the correct mindset, this fact needs to be reflected in the language used when talking about previous events. Thus current pronouns and names MUST be used at all times. Even when recalling an instance when those pronouns and names weren’t used.

This is true for all transgender folk. Our pronouns and names reflect who we truly are. Old terms do not, and so they must never be used again. For this reason, previous names are called “dead names.” They are to be buried and forgotten. They’re not to be mentioned ever again. Using someone’s dead name and old pronouns is a huge sign of disrespect.

Not only that, but using the wrong pronouns and dead names can out someone as transgender to unknowing folks, which is NEVER ok to do unless you have the trans person’s explicit permission. Transgender people today are still at risk of biased treatment, harrassment, and hate crimes. Many are uncomfortable with their bodies and want to blend in with their gender as much as possible. For one or both of these reasons, a trans person may not want the detail of their trans-ness to be widely known. This decision must be respected.

Even if you have permission to share that someone’s transgender, you still need to use their appropriate pronouns and names. Even in quoting old conversations, the appropriate current pronouns and names must be inserted into the speech.

In the case of myself, I happen to be pretty open about being transgender, and I know there are some details about my past that don’t make sense without this context.

“Wait, your college dorm roommate was a woman? How did you pull that off?”

“Your mom forced you to wear a dress every week? That the hell’s that about?”

Such moments can be clarified quite easily without using my dead name or previous pronouns.

“Yes, I had a female roommate, but that was before I knew I was trans.”

“Yup, my mom had that stupid rule, but at the time she thought that I was a girl and believed that wearing dresses was essential for me.”

And so on. No need to dramatize the explanation before moving on in the story.

The beautiful thing about using the correct pronouns and names is that it doesn’t detract from the retold experiences. It merely reflects that I have always been me and not this other person everyone else thought I was while growing up.

I have always been, and always will be, Phin.