When I started my transitioning process, I became obsessed with body shapes and features. I looked at masculine and feminine people to see what made them appear that way. Was it the proportions between the hips and shoulders? The clothes? Belly shapes? The curve in the jawline?
I wanted to study this because I was learning how I wanted to present myself. After so long appearing as a tomboy, I wanted to ensure I didn’t continue being seen as a woman. This naturally made me hyper-aware of myself. I already had dysphoria about having breasts, and I hated parts of myself that would commonly be thought of as feminine traits, such as curved hips.
Surgery helped to eliminate the breasts, and fat redistribution while taking testosterone shifted fat storage away form my hips to make them straighter, but I constantly looked to those around me for further visual guidance.
I became a body-watcher.
In my observations, I learned that body types vary widely in people. This may seem like a no-brainer to many readers. “Uh, yeah, isn’t that obvious?” However, as someone who never cared much about the human body before, this revelation was fascinating to witness with a studious eye. Some women have broad shoulders. Some men have perfect hour-glass curves. Some people are straight-bodied with no exaggerated features while others are rocking the curves. Noticing this variety helped me feel better about myself.
I’m still obsessed, however.
I keep looking at the body shapes around me, fascinated at how this and that person is built. Despite having come a long way, I’m still self-conscious about my own body (especially in worrying if my butt’s too round for a “normal” guy) and compare it to other male bodies. I hope to reach a point where I feel that my body is enough.
It’s hard, though, having yourself as a critic. But there are moments when I’m out, see a stranger, and am pleasantly surprised.
“Hey, that guy’s built like me, and he’s definitely masculine!”
These moments give me boosts in my self body image, and remind me that I need to be more confident in the male body I already have.
Interesting! Body image is a fascinating and sometimes very dark subject. I appreciate your ability to tackle it in a curious fashion, while also acknowledging the fear of not being enough.
I so hear you. It’s hard to gain perspective.
I not only appreciate your blog, I also appreciate your perceptive and supportive friends and/or family members. Their support of you (and by extension other trans folx) moves me. They are gems.
I have been very fortunate to have such supportive people in my life. I’m always happy to chare my experiences, and appreciate when other trans folks can relate to what I have or am currently feeling. Nice to know I’m not a complete outlier all the time 🙂