Recently I’ve been reconnecting with friends on Facebook I haven’t spoken with for a number of years, and they weren’t up to speed on the fact that I’m trans. When I explained this to them, I received positive feedback including one friend writing, “Congratulations.”
This word threw me back to when I first started coming out two years ago. Loads of support and well wishes, plus a whole slew of “congratulations.”
That word didn’t sit well with me then. It still doesn’t today.
To me, saying “congratulations” in this context implies that somehow by coming out as transgender, I’ve won a prize. While stating to the world who I am was a big step towards presenting myself as who I truly am, it doesn’t feel like a prize.
Then again, the word can also be in terms of achievement. I’ll admit that coming out was an accomplishment for me. Explaining it to family and very close friends was nerve-wracking as it was a brand new realization at the time, and I was terrified of telling my co-workers. By the time I got to making it “Facebook official” as my final step in coming out, I was calmer about it. After that I felt more assured about going forward with my transition.
But “congratulations” still doesn’t feel like the appropriate response to this action.
To me, coming out as transgender is an act of making a statement about one detail in someone’s life. In the grand scheme of things, a person’s gender doesn’t directly affect anyone else, but many people still have strong reactions to the transgender topic because it’s not seen as common place yet (plus these people somehow feel threatened that a perceived gender is incorrect, but that’s a discussion for another day).
While transgender people have always been around, and they’ve been slowly coming out in Western cultures for decades, it’s still not seen as a benign detail yet. No one gets offended today when someone says they have ADHD or were born with extra toes. These details are accepted as part of who they are, but gender is still touchy. I’m sure with more time this too will become an acceptable fact that’s not second-guessed by the public.
So for me, the best response to someone coming out as transgender is saying, “Thank you for telling me.” Acknowledge that you understand the meaning of what you’ve been told, treasure the fact that you are being trusted with this info, and then proceed in respecting them as their true selves.
Thank you for writing this! I wonder if “congratulations” is the response because people just don’t know how to react since, as you wrote, it’s not common. Your recommendation of what to say instead is super helpful. I hope more people get to read this post.
I think you’re right that sometimes people don’t know what to say. I hadn’t thought of that angle, thank you for mentioning it.
I have no idea what I said when you told me, but I meant to be supportive in whatever way possible. And even that reads somewhat like the problem with “congratulations”. What do I have to support? It’s your life and your story. I guess for many of us we just don’t know what to say. I can’t look up in Emily Post how I’m supposed to react because I never had to react to this in the past. We try to do our best.
I don’t recall either what you said when I told you. In general, though, positive reactions are greatly appreciated. That and an acknowledgement that you’ll still love and respect us as we grow into presenting our true selves.
Thanks for your observations and this blog. It is a funny thing to say, somewhat akin to congratulating someone in response to sharing that they have Irish heritage, which is a nice, but not something they are personally are responsible for.
I agree that cis people often don’t know what to say and it is my belief they intend to say something positive and supportive, which is appreciated. We in the community sometimes say congrats when someone takes a new step in transition, but not for the fact of being trans, a fact that existed long before someone discloses it.
I agree that milestones and small steps in transitioning warrant congratulations. Those are victories that deserve recognition and cheering. Lots of cheering 🙂